Fifty Shades of RRSPs: A Parody
It’s 5 p.m. on Valentine’s Day.
I haven’t showered, my hair is a mess, my legs are stubbly, and I haven’t a clue what to wear for the romantic dinner with dear husband in two hours. Instead of getting beautified and glamorous, I am searching madly for my last Notice of Assessment (NOA) from the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA).
You see, there are only a couple weeks left until the March 1st deadline to make an RRSP contribution for the 2012 tax year and the procrastinator in me has left things quite late. I need that NOA to calculate how much I can contribute this year and what carry-forward there is from previous years.
This year I resolved to be disciplined with both my health and wealth. Health-wise I’m on track. I’ve been eating well and exercising, having lost four pounds. Wealth-wise I need to get a move on. I am supposed to be putting extra into my RRSP.
I know that in the long run it will pay off. In addition to the short-term benefit of having a deduction on my tax return, I will get years of tax-deferred growth on the investments within my account. I also plan to take any refund cheque and immediately re-invest that into my RRSP for next year — except I haven’t actually done anything!
Now, as you’ll know if you’re a procrastinator, when it comes to crunch time there is a period of hyper-focus to finish a task left until the eleventh hour. So, here I am on Valentine’s Day finding myself obsessing about making my RRSP contribution, when I should be exfoliating and shaving my legs.
I curse myself as I feel a mild panic bubbling up within.
Okay, stop, calm down, I tell myself. I close my eyes, taking deep breaths. I try to relax my thoughts, attempting to regain control.
Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly I feel the tension releasing from my shoulders and neck, seeping down my back. Ahh, this is actually kind of nice. I feel my mouth curve into a half-smile as I enjoy the bliss of momentary calm. I almost forget where I am.
My reverie is suddenly broken by a sound from the doorway of my home office.
My eyes fly open. Casually leaning against the doorframe, looking sharp in a tailored suit, is dear husband observing me with a bemused expression. “Am I interrupting a private moment?” he asks.
“Er, um… no.” Flustered, I can’t seem to say anything more. The sight of him so handsome has my blood rushing swiftly through my veins, and I am filled with sudden ardor. I nervously lick the corner of my mouth.
Dear husband seems to pick up the shift in my mood. With a glint of mischief in his eyes, he slowly approaches me. I shiver as a tremor quakes through my body. His unwavering gaze unnerves me even more.
A millisecond later dear husband is embracing me in a deep and passionate kiss. The last vestiges of coherent thought melt away from me as I return his kiss. Ooh, screw my RRSP and the Notice of Assessment; this is more important! Our breathing grows quick and shallow.
“I got you something extra special for Valentine’s Day,” he murmurs.
“Hmm…?” I am only half-listening. I’m more focused on the tickling feeling of stubble on my throat.
“Something you will really like.” His hands are strong on my back as he half-lifts, half-pushes me up on the credenza. He begins to unbutton the top of my blouse.
“Really.” My fingers are fumbling with his belt. “What’s that?”
“Ohh…” I groan. “That is so thoughtful, and it doesn’t make me feel guilty like eating chocolate does. And it won’t die like flowers will.”
Through my passion, I am dimly aware there’s a part of me that is thrilled that my RRSP has been taken care of this year. In this moment, I love dear husband more than ever for this priceless gift.
By now, the blood is raging through my body and I am more than ready for him. I pull away slightly, and coyly look him in the eyes. “We are going to have the most romantic dinner tonight, honey. Care to start the appetizer course now?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” he breathes, as his lips cover mine once more.
The End…but really, it’s just the beginning!
Linda Kalnins is a financial advisor and partner at Dodd Financial Group, a planning firm specializing in creative and holistic financial solutions. Though she takes her work very seriously, Linda's enjoys a light and low-key approach in educating others on how to develop sound financial strategies. Feedback and comments welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can follow her on Twitter @LBKal
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